"I've been living vicariously through you pretending you're actually what I want, but you're not him."
ASDFGHJKL. That's that. I mean, I'm going to be honest... I tried to get over someone I've loved for eight years and just tried to put all my love and energy onto someone else because I didn't know how to feel. But I'm over here, still broken. Still trying my best to cope with the fact that I won't allow myself to go back to my past relationship. Honestly, I wanted to start fresh. I wanted us to get to know the people we have grown to be instead of being clouded by the vision of each other's pasts. I'm going to be honest (and this definitely goes for everyone) ... WE HAVE ALL CHANGED. As much as we feel that we haven't, we definitely have. And I think that as time went on, we were growing with and without each other. We were growing up to be completely different individuals. And let's be real, we definitely looked at each other as if we were still our twelve year old selves ... that those people would never change. But of course, we did. And I wanted to give us another shot. I wanted to get to know the you that you've grown into and get to know you without that clouded vision of who we once were. I was willing to forreals start over. "EIGHT YEARS" ... no, we'd start fresh. I just don't understand why you wouldn't want that ...
Why couldn't all the bullshit just be thrown away?
You said I don't know who you are, let me learn.
What's the rush of being in a relationship?
What's wrong with starting over and forgetting all the pain and mistakes?
I'm a big advocate of love and change. I honestly put my heart and soul into those I love. I believe in second chances (or like infinity chances). I believe that people can honestly change. I believe that someday, when people are meant to be ... they will be. BUT I'm also very stubborn. I can't just wait to see if things will work out. I can't just wait for a love that may not even be true. And that's my damn problem. I need to find some ground to plant my feet on. I need a foundation too, you know? It's so hard ... love and change. I just don't want to find myself regretting anything. I just don't want to find myself being with someone else and not being able to give them my heart because "I left my heart San Francisco" (okay ... not literally SF, but you get my point).
I'm at this point where I'm constantly listening to "Almost is Never Enough" by Arianna Grande.
KILL ME WITH THE RELEVANCE OF THAT DAMN HEARTBREAKING SONG.
"Almost, almost is never enough
So close to being in love...
We almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough."
I have know idea how to feel. Because I thought I was honestly stronger than this. I thought I was honestly going to get through this struggle. I just need answers sometimes.
I don't understand why things ended the way they did... Why rushing back into a relationship was all you wanted. Relationships should never be rushed. Relationships are about growing, loving, learning, change, adapting, SO MUCH. I think that the only way to keep a love going is to honestly keep trying. Once you give up ... that's it. I'm on the brink of giving up. I hate giving up. I hate the idea of "almost". Almost never counts.
I've obviously got jumbled up ... I have no idea where I was going with this post (like almost all my posts), but I guess I'm stuck ... as usual. Oh the fates.
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