As she sat on the table nearest to the edge of the room, farthest from the door, she spoke, "You know, life isn't what it seems. That goes for love too, you know. We live in a world where we struggle to keep things together, keep relationships alive, and keep ourselves sane on the side. How do we do this? Why do we do this? Why do we constantly look at ourselves and wonder if our worth is worth anything?"
She pauses, takes a sip of her tea that is so effortlessly tasteful and smooth, and continues to speak, "How do we know if our best was good enough? Because whose to determine that? How are you going to tell me that I ... that all I did was nothing. That all I did basically shows that now everything is in a complete rut, that my best and my worth was never anything at all? BULL S-H-I-T I say. BULL S-H-I-T. I'm worth every penny I've ever spent to materialistically show you I love you. I'm worth ever tear I've ever let fall down my cheeks to show you that I emotionally loved you. I'm worth every scar I've cut to show you that I physically loved you."
She holds back, realizing that her words probably mean either nothing or everything. She trembles as she holds the sides of her warm cup of tea. She stares into the cup and finds herself in a daze. Because as she looks down to her cup she see's material things, she sees her tears falling down her cheeks, she sees the scars on her wrists as she holds the cup. Everything, these things, have become her doing.
"Epiphany", she thinks to herself, "epiphany."
"These may show, but they can never tell. No one will ever know or understand better than I what my real worth is. I may be able to buy this cup of tea, but this tea will not refill itself without a price. I may be able to wipe away these tears, but tears will always fall. I may be able to stop the self-abuse, but the scars will never fade."
As she sat, contemplated, and reflected, she found herself talking to no one. She found herself realizing that her words, meant nothing to no one but herself. As she sat with her slightly chilled cup of tea, she lingered in her thoughts. She found herself knowing the answers, but never allowing herself to actually accept them. She found herself understanding that she was worth everything, but what may be everything to her may not mean everything to someone else. She she sat there, she gazed into her half-filled cold cup of tea and thought, "Things are never certain are they? We can never know if we are our best we, if our worth is worthy, and if enough ... is ever enough. This cup of tea is half-filled, I have the choice to fill up this cup and blend the cold old tea with a new and let myself consume the past with the present ... or I can slowly take in the last half of this tea (even though it may not be to my liking) and let myself consume the harsh reality of it and just start over with a new that probably will be just as bad or it can be great."
Still lost with her thoughts, she gets up, gathers all her belongings, leaves a tip of $2.13, and walks away from the table leaving her cup of tea half-filled. Life is not always as it seems. We cannot get answers out of a hat. We cannot expect ourselves to know everything. Sometimes, we need to leave things as they are and just let ourselves find our own way backward or forward. We cannot let our past determine us. We must push for a better tomorrow, for tomorrow is the key to a better you. No one can ever determine your worth, because at the end of everyday day ... you are enough.
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