As of late

These photos obviously do not reflect the amount of stress I've been within the past five weeks of school, but I always need to remind myself that giving myself a break is something I deserve ... (cont'd after photos)

I forget to give myself time. I invest (a lot) of my time to my responsibilities and the people in my life. I forget that I need me time and that it's an essential thing for everyone. But apart of me feels so selfish sometimes ... you know ... asking for ... a break. That sounds so weird. I have always been the type of person to put my needs last and my responsibilities first. I think it has made me both a wonderful, reliable human being and a gesture of weakness. 

Oh ... and mentioning weakness. As of lately, I've become the biggest pushover of all time. I'm allowing the people in my life take advantage of my kindness. It's hard for me to say no, especially when people are already expecting a yes in return already...

"No, I can't do this for you." "No, you should have asked me before even doing it." "No, I don't want to take you to _____ because I have work to do too."

These are just some examples of statements I wish I said. It's not like I want to feel this way nor do I like it, but I'm having such a hard time with the people around me. I want to shut them out so badly (even the ones I'm so close to and love so much). Everyone honestly has just been wearing me down and it's hurting me mentally.

And this goes back to forgetting to give myself time.

You see, I'm tired. I want to just sleep all day and not worry about anything ... but can we all really do that? Well yeah we can ... but there's people like me who fucking care too hard. I care to much about school (because 1. it's not free so why would I fuck with money like that and 2. because what am I going to do without a degree ... yep that's why I need to finish school). I go out of their my to make sure everyone and everything is just going smoothly. In work, in school, with friends, ESPECIALLY with family ... it's all just so hard to keep up with everything.

I need to breathe. It's something I've always struggled with and it's something I think I truly deserve. Oh, and I need to invest in people who fucking matter to me that I haven't given to time to. Meaning people like my little Carson Babies here at UCLA (Especially Angelica, God ... why were we not friends in high school? Like, I regret so hard not getting to know her sooner), Hannah B, Kate M, Jayzel & Earvin, and obviously my best friends Maryan Brittney and Demeturie. 

Investing in family is always my priority, but it's people like these i've mentioned that I need to fucking lather myself up in because of the greatness and positivity they always give me. Jesus, when I do have the time .... they are the people I would love to breathe with. 

Anyways, I was suppose to do my homework before writing whatever I felt ... but I didn't want to forget anything and when I felt I needed to let off some steam. 

Welp, happy life everyone.