paused

Yeah, I'm at a pause just for this vent session that will be commencing right. about. now.

PAUSE

I'm currently giving myself a mental break from those around me and the people that make me feel like my world revolves around them when it really doesn't.

I'm growing up, becoming a better version of myself - someone who finally sticks up for herself. I'm proud of that. But of course, where there is a high, it will always be accompanied with a low.

I'm learning to grow on my own. But those around me can't handle the "new me". I speak my mind now and I don't just agree constantly. I view the big picture and allow myself to understand both sides. I listen to my heart more than I ever did before. And I listen to my heart more because it finally understands what my brain has been trying to contribute to it. I've created a space for myself where I don't need anyone to justify my feelings, I can do that on my own. I've come to the conclusion that I'm the only person that knows what happiness I need ... so why bother hearing it from anyone else?

I'm at a pause because I need to regather my thoughts.

From a one-sided friend to a blinded-selfish lover - I'm paused because at this very moment I can't allow myself to make a decision.

When I was younger, the biggest issue I had was making a decision based off of my feelings at that second and it always backfired. I've grown to know that that never solves any issue and spreads like wildfire.

So I have stepped back. Assess the situation and figure out how I'm going to get past this bump in the road.

I'm not saying that Old Deniza isn't in here. *HI!!* She's here still, craving to slice, craving to yell and cry and beat and hurt herself. But she's staying calm, trying to find better solutions. She's trying to feel everything she needs to feel before making a decision. She's thinking about what's in her best interest, but to also understand that she too isn't the bright shining light in this shit hole of a fairytale.

But she's still human. She still feels. And she still understands that her decisions are just that - they are only her decisions and no one else's. She can apologize, but the receiving party may rebuttal and we are back to square one.

I'm at a pause you see - because right now, decisions are out of the table, being logical is not in my favor, and being truthful doesn't seem to be the best source outcome for both of the situations I'm in right now.

So I'm at a pause - I'm not letting any outside factors define me and I'm not making decisions irrationally. I'm at a pause and I don't know how to move forward from this one.

PAUSE