Redo

So for my project that I recently just talked about in my last post, my professor asked me to show a picture of me crying instead... So I had to do it over... Ugh.

But besides that, here are some stills from this video of me recording myself just talking about a lot of issues going on in my life: depression, suicide, school, my mom having cancer, and a lot of deep rooted emotions that just needed to be let out with tears.

In middle school, a lot of my friends hated that I would cry, so I resulted in cutting myself because it was the only outlet I felt was working. Not crying made my friends happy, I just didn't want to be a burden anymore. I don't even think they know that I started cutting myself because I felt like I couldn't speak to anyone anymore. Everyone would call me a cry baby or a "drama queen", that I was seeking attention... When they had no idea what was going on, I mean I didn't even know what was going on. 

I didn't know why I would be in such a sad state out of no where, I had no idea why I wanted to die. It was this depression talking and these suicidal thoughts ... I don't understand where they even came from. All I knew was this, my friends never helped me get through anything when I was crying at school. From secretly nominating me for "drama queen" in school to finding out that I've been hurting myself, I don't think they ever got the message that there really was something wrong with me. Cutting myself just felt like a void was being felt and it felt fucking good.

You know, a lot of that really shaped who I have become. I have allowed myself to only write down how I feel and not really tell anyone anymore. I've learned to bottle up all my emotions and let myself explode into a dark place and find myself thinking of how death would just be easier.

Therapy doesn't nothing for me. Forcing me to take drugs to "calm me down" is not to my liking. Forcing me to blame my parents for all of this is wrong... They never told me to cut myself ... I TOLD MYSELF TO CUT MYSELF.

Obviously, you can tell I have a lot of bottled up emotions and I couldn't even write eloquently or in some type of chronological manner, but look ... My depression has fucking consumed me and has changed who I am. I'm tired of letting this bring me down.

My depression is never an excuse to stop working hard or to not do anything. It's just hard to step forward when depression is pulling me backwards.

I have word vomited like always, I really should head off the bed. 

Later days.