Feelings

It's really hard to understand how one feels about ... well, anything. Whether it's someone you're trying to find some answers from or whether it's yourself, it's this mystery that will never be solved.

You see, we are all in this cluster fuck of emotions that sort of takes over us and we can't help but feel this vulnerability in our stomaches (which of course is un explainable). As much as we want to shake of all unnecessary feelings, it something that just comes up and it lingers until a new feeling arrives.

It's scary to feel like you can't control how you feel, but let's be honest with ourselves ... that's something that will never be controlled.

What is the first thing that comes to mind of being hurt? The first thing that makes you happy? The first thing that truly just broke you ...

Once you experience something, it changes you ... and it changes every decision you make afterwards. Whether the decision is to trust yourself, or put trust in whatever happened. Your memories and your heart are tainted and it becomes blackened with hate, sadness, and all feelings that just find it's way into you all over again.

You know, I hated cancer even before both my grandmother's died of it and even before my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and lymphoma. But after all of that, my feelings changed immensely. Hate doesn't even compare to the amount of pain it puts me in just thinking about cancer. This feeling is no where near hate ... but it's ten times that and it's described with words I cannot even conjure up.

I guess ... I haven't been able to put all my feelings together and that's why I'm kind of just here trying to put some ease on myself by reminding myself that everyone feels this way. I haven't been able to concentrate or wrap my head and heart around anything because I'm honestly just broken and I'm tired.

I'm just allowing myself time and allowing myself to just feel what I need to feel because that's healthy right? Yeah, I think that's right ...