impaired

Sometimes I forget that life isn't easy.

I always forget to stop thinking. I always keep thinking.

Whether it's a song that gets me thinking, or just looking at a certain something. I find myself relating to everything and everything always seems so relevant. My heart, for the record, is broken. Has been and it feels like it always will be. I'm just stuck. I'm trying my best to go about my days but it's way harder than it seems.

It's like, why the hell do we listen to sad songs ... JUST TO MAKE US EVEN MORE SAD?! We are dumb. I am dumb. I'm letting myself feel pain. Maybe that's just how I'm coping with things. Maybe I'm forcing mysel to feel pain so I can get through this quicker. Maybe this is all just me trying to move forward. I hate when my heart hurts. Real talk, I'm just sitting here like letting it happen. It's literally a physical pain. I don't know if that make sense. But I feel my heart literally holding back. It beats and then it beats back 5 times harder which makes me feel as thought my body has gone into impairment.

I don't know. I guess I'm living my life off of that one quote

"It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all."

Yeah. That's it.

I'm trying to find the good in the past. But it's not working because the good just makes me sad. I am not bitter. I refuse to be bitter. I will never take the past and look at it as regret. I will treasure every moment I shared. I think I'm just stuck because those memories are consuming me, but I refuse to let them go. 

When you've dedicated your life to someone for so long, you forget that there's anyone els ein the world. I feel like I basically sold my heart and soul and I could never take it back. 

I'm here, laying in bed typing and thinking ... did I make a mistake? Did I just make myself more miserable for leaving my best friend, the love of my life, the only person that I could ever saw myself with? I'm laying here wondering why I decided to do this... Why did I leave the one person who knows me inside and out. The one person who looked at me and honestly really looked at me. The one person that always called me beautiful, REGARDLESS. I've never felt beautiful with anyone else but this person. And yet, someone who can make me feel so breathless made me feel so out of breath. 

I've held on for so long. Trying to make things work. But I wasn't going to stay in a relationship that had only one of us trying. I wasn't trying to stay in a relationship where I knew someone was angry, I knew someone had bottled up feelings but wasn't sure how to handle them. I wasn't trying to stay in a relationship where I was being yelled at for the same reasons (even though I know for a fact, I was the best girlfriend I could be and that he'd ever have). I wasn't trying to work for something that wasn't willing to work for me in return. I want equality. I want a love where we both don't have to try and it just works. I don't know. It's scary. All these thoughts got me impaired. I have become numb trying to get out of bed. I have become numb when it comes to focusing. I. have. become. numb. 

As I lay here, all I can see is the memories replaying in my head. I turn my head, there's the gift I got from you 4 years ago. I look to the right, there's pictures of us. I look the the left, right next to me is you ... where I'd want you to be.

Maybe I'm broken record trying to play a wonderful tune that, but it will never work. Love has consumed me. I'm afraid someday I won't be able to get out of it correctly. 

Then here I am again, thinking about the greatness of the love I once cherished so much. Who am I kidding, I still cherish it.

I'm going in circles trying to find my way out, but I guess I just need to stay still. Maybe I'm moving forward a little too quickly. 

Here I am at 5:26AM. I am still as broken as I felt from the beginning. 

Some say that "the broken clock is a comfort", but I honestly just want to get through this time and get on with my life. I just want to know the future. I just want to know what my choice was correct. I just want to know that I didn't mess up. That someday I will truly be okay. I have no idea where I went with this again ... 

Later days.