pain

When I was younger, I remember my parents have showed me and taught me that crying is bad and I shouldn't do it because it solves nothing. I guess that's the start of it all. I've been engineered to believe that my feelings and anything that hurt me was not important.

Then, as I got older, I became the person who I never thought I'd become. I never wanted to hurt myself and I never wanted to ever "disappoint" anyone with my tears, but I felt that crying was the healthiest way possible for me to let out the bad energy. But of course, this wouldn't be a dramatic post if it didn't have a turn of stories right? RIGHT. 

So even because of the "friends", "family", and "boyfriend" I had around me that were sick of my tears, I resulted in the only thing that made me feel like I was releasing a sense of pain. It was the best feeling in the world and I knew it wasn't healthy, but the physical pain relieved from the mental and I never felt so alive. It literally felt like everything that was hurting me and bothering me was just spilling away. It was the only comfort I had because those around me felt that my tears were their problems and they wanted those problems to go away.

I grew and it became a thing in the past -- for everyone else. I've always came back to it when I needed it the most. Don't get me wrong, I've refrained so many times which has resulted me in becoming a person I hate even more ... and that's someone who shuts out their feelings completely.

Yes, I have turned into an "Elena" from Vampire Diaries who shuts out her feelings and pretends like none of the things going on is bothering me. This time around, the physical pain that I use to induce upon myself is always in the back of my mind but now I'm in the works of becoming the worst version of myself. I'm lying to myself. I'm forcing myself to shut out every ounce of humanity in me.

I forgot how important it is to cry and to feel that my tears can't even come out of my eyes anymore and my heart doesn't break anymore. 

Am I really that immune to all of this or have I just become my own worst enemy (once again). 

I'm faking every possible strength I have and it's working. I'm not hurting. I'm not in pain. Everything that use to bother me isn't clouding my mind. But how fucking unhealthy is that. What the fuck. I'm my worst enemy because I know that one day, this will all blow up on me and I will hate myself for it. 

But here I am, letting my feelings go away as if they don't exist. I've taught myself not to feel because I've always been taught that feeling and expressing myself in any possible way just shows weakness. And here I am now. As I write this, my heart is okay. I'm not crying. I'm not rushing to my phone to make a phone call to make things right. I'm not trying to die like I use to. 

Because I've shut out my feelings for this reason and this reason only: 

I deserve someone who will fight for me the way 

i've fought for them. They way i've suffered and

hurt myself ... for them. I deserve someone who

will open their eyes and see what they have in

front of them. I'm not just anyone. I'm someone 

who loves with all my heart and I'm someone

who commits themselves to those I give away

pangako I give. I'm someone worth fighting for.

I'm someone that someone will appreciate ...

Someday. Someday. Someday. Someday.